During my twenty-nine years of life, I have not played tag, climbed a rope or danced on my two feet yet. Neither slowly, nor swiftly. Not a day has gone by yet without me asking for help or saying the word thanks. I have not walked in the pouring rain, nor have I run into the chilly Lake Balaton on a hot summer day yet. I have not skipped rope or climbed wall bars yet. I have not entered for a sack race, nor have I hula-hooped yet.
However, I have learned what it is like to be loved for what is inside and not because of the looks. What it is like to be sincerely embraced, and also, how much the tiniest of improvement can mean to someone. What it is like to have true friends and a loving family. I have seen the dawning sun in many countries and the shining moon in the sky. I have received unexpected kind messages and waked up to a loving man’s kisses. I have received honest smiles from little children and adults. I have been enriched by surprises countless times.
But most of all: I have learned to appreciate what I have, instead of mourning what is missing from
Do you throw it out because it's not 'perfect'?
When I got to know Sandor and we had been a couple for a few weeks, he bought me a tiny little surprise. A ceramic, dancing, angel-girl doll. On his way out from the store, it slipped out of his hands and fell. Its leg broke. He wanted to throw it out and did not even tell me about it. Then it occurred to him that he doesn't throw me away either just because I'm not 'perfect'. What is perfect anyway? Everyone has their own definition of perfect... Finally, he handed the broken doll over.
'Let's glue it together! Symbolizing that it's “healed”. Just like you will be. Though You're not even sick, there's nothing to recover from. And the superglue can work wonders, just like You.'
I love him. Very much.
Top 10 questions or sentences that I have heard, I should tell you ☺ And my dog, Falatka was even surprised. There are so many things to tell to people so the myths will evaporate slowly.
1. Okay you are using a wheelchair, but you go to the toilet by walk, don’t you?
2. Oh I feel sorry for your husband that he had to give up on sex.
3. Seriously? Do you have husband? I would never thought that.
4. Can you sign my chest?
5. Your life is certainly unhappy like this.
6. Do you make your living by smiling?
7. Oh I know exactly how to be in wheelchair, I have a friend who uses it.
8. So your partner is injured too, isn’t he?
9. Stay seated, do not bother.
10. Oh there are no free chairs where you can sit down, all of them are taken. Which one made you smile the most?:)
I came down from the apartment to walk Falatka, Sandor accompanied us as well and as soon as he took his eyes off me and started going back up, Falatka surprised me with a fragrant little brown package in the shoreline lawn of Balaton. I didn't want to call for Sandor, I let him rest, I got some tissue on me. Easy business I thought...I was wrong :) I don't always sit well enough in my chair to bend down safely, like this time, as it turned out after a couple of attempts. It was a few inches too far, which very well could be a distance just enough for me to fall out so I let it go however I didn't want to let it there. There was a cute couple licking ice-cream nearby, I waited until they finished and then asked them nicely whether they might be willing to help me pick that little package up from the grass, which was truly little given the size of Falatka. I guess it was a sh!tty question because after the first surprise they gave me the oddest look, no worries, I won't give up :) Eventually I asked a kind dad with children for two wooden sticks and playing detective, I searched for the little package again and with a Chinese eating stick solution I picked it up with joy. The dad offered his help along the process but I thanked him and kindly refused saying if it's going to be a success story, let it be a true one. At the same time, I also thank the couple for not making my situation easier for this way I have yet another story of independent success.
Today, I asked my husband:
If you had been given a list with all the small prints of getting together with a "cripple lass" (referring exclusively to myself :) ), you would have run away screaming, right? You know, at the beginning, when you got to know me...
(There is nothing to polish here, this thought crossed my mind after the hundredth time he pulled my pants back on in the bathroom, flushed the toilet, helped me...yes, with that as well...and were just washing my hands.)
- You know, when I first saw you, and even now sometimes...I wonder...I picture how it would be like, if you walked... If you had sun-tanned, curvy bottom... - okay, okay he stopped here for a second :) - if your spine wasn't deteriorated and if you could take care of yourself easily... Then, I raise myself the question... so then what? Shouldn't I be together with someone, who doesn't walk yet, has no sun-tanned curvy bottom however her soul is so wonderful? Fuck the world as it is, this is just a physical appearance in the physical 3D space, so what, when your soul shines brighter than the stars?
His answer left me speechless.
There are few things I can change in an instant but there is one I can any time: my attitude. I constantly hold the chance to decide in my hands. I give in or I proceed. I cry or I laugh. I become depressed or I find a solution. I panic or I concentrate on my options.
The soundtrack of the Rocky, “Eye of the tiger” is played loudly in the living room in the background. It expresses properly my mood. The struggles of the past 2 years, that from our idea, once a movie would be realized indeed. Dozens of nights, more thousands e-mails, at least 100 negotiations and slaps in the face, “No”-s said into the face. Meanwhile inspiring those who have believed previously and believe in the movie of NOW and not later, in us and in persistence. There were cases when we were on the verge to let it go, to give it up, because we have lived through brutally exhaustive and hard things. It is a challenge to get into the closed circle of the small film industry. Over 2 years we have been experienced the deepest hell and also the Dreamland, but by now the movie is being recorded. The continuation of the bestseller book, titled Te döntesz (The decision is yours) is being made on the cinema screen.
The smile of the combination of every feelings can be visible on my face now. Because the fruit of the persistence, the determination, the derision and that of refusal, but you just keep going, because you believe in your goal and the feeling drives you, motivates you. The conscience of “Why are you doing it?”
Could you write a word to me, to us, which first comes to your mind regarding the movie of NOW and not later?